PARENTS HAVE AN IMPORTANT ROLE IN EDUCATING THEIR CHILDREN

Parents have a mammoth task in rearing up their children to become good, responsible, law-abiding citizens of their country. As it is very rightly said that the ‘Home’ is the first school of the child and ‘Parents’ are their first teacher’s.

It is a common sight, in the early mornings, to see young children racing down the road at break neck speed, trying to reach school in time. Many a times they are helmetless, many a times three on a motorbike or on the small modern day scooties, driving furiously, as if the heavens are about to fall! We also see school vans stuffed with children, like sardines into a can, honking furiously as they drive recklessly, with the children, to school. Many children are on bicycles, cycling at high speed, sometimes dangerously overtaking the cars and buses, in an endeavor to reach their school , before the gates shut.

Every morning, after the child has left for school , the Parents are a relieved lot.

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They feel at peace and satisfied that they have done their duty ! They have sent their child to one of the best schools for which they are paying a heavy fee, they have purchased the best motorcycle or bicycle for him, at his insistence so that he reaches school in time, given him a good breakfast, helped him dress up ,packed his bag, packed his tiffin and that’s it! Their duty is over they try to convince themselves and hence forth they expect the school and teachers to be responsible for the child and his safety. This is a misconception and parents should be wise enough not to believe in this. Parents are the best guides, counselors and facilitators to their child . It is their duty to tell their children over and again, without a trace of anger or irritation 1)what is the right thing to do, 2)the right way to do it 3)explain WHY it is the right way to do it and 4)what are the consequences if it goes wrong. Just by ordering or commanding them to do something and expecting that their command to be followed, will not solve the purpose. Nor will the purpose be solved by passing the buck on to others! Children, especially adolescents, have their own way of perceiving, thinking and doing things, which maybe different from that of the parents. We may call it a Generation Gap, BUT ACTUALLY IT IS THE LACK OF GOOD PARENTING SKILLS on the part of parents. If parents wish that their children respect them and listen to them, they have to develop the skill of good parenting, good communication and a rapport with their children, whereby the child understands the parents INTENTION behind his words.. As long as the child does not agree 100% to what a parent tries to tell him to do or not do, and as long as he does not feel 100% sure that whatever they are saying is for his benefit, he may listen to them but whether he obeys them or not, is a different story. So it is imperative for parents today, to bond with their children, by UNDERSTANDING and appreciating their perspective, AND THEN motivating them and assertively telling them what is the right thing to do.They should communicate clearly and repeatedly till the child is convinced that what is being told to them IS the right thing or the right way to do the thing.

Motorcycles and scooters are most dangerous vehicles to balance and drive,for everyone. I personally feel that parents should RESIST from giving these to their children and think of alternate safe ways for children to reach school. Adolescents are in a stage of emotional and hormonal upheaval and try to seek attention or thrill by driving at a great speed or indulge in other risky behaviors .Who will tell the children the hazards of rash and fast driving? Parents of course should do so, as the child is more attached to them. Parents should assertively and repeatedly talk to their children about speed limits and other safety measures to be adopted while driving on road and ensure that their children are following these safety measures. So should the school authorities and teachers. Both,Parents and Teachers are role-models for the children and both should also ensure that they themselves follow what they preach to the children. A parent speeding fast cannot expect his son not to do so! After all there is nothing more precious than life-our own and that of our loved ones, and parents should keep reinforcing this fact to the children.

Dr.Sona Kaushal Gupta

Neuro-Psychologist Dehra Dun

Designasted State CBSE COUNSELLOR

                                      GOOD PARENTING-- THE NEED OF THE HOUR

“Behind every young child who believes in himself is a parent who believed first.” » Matthew Jacobson

   

The role of Parents in a child's Physical, Mental and Emotional development is very eminent. The way parents nurture or bring up their children, is called Parenting. And therein lies the whole story as to why children and adolescents drift into addictions and what parents should do to prevent such situations!

In the present scenario, most parents seem to be confused and in guilt, as they feel their children have gone astray because they have not been good parents. They are unable to understand their children and vice versa. Conflicts and Arguments have taken the place of healthy communication and often parents and children hardly talk to each other. There is bitterness and depression in both of them, and eventually the children, especially adolescents, who are unable to cope with their numerous psychological, academic, social problems drift into the horrifying world of addictions. Parents need to know and adopt the concept of Good Parenting skills, so that they are able to understand and bond with their children   and help them find solutions to their problems. Till children are growing up, they obey their parents, because their critical and analytical thinking is still in a developing stage. Parents feel proud of themselves, because their children are so obedient!. As soon as the children enter their teens all hell seems to break loose. As adolescents they start to mature psychologically and try to reason and analyse situations and people. They try to figure out and argue as to WHY they should do exactly what their parents or elder’s tell them to do? Ironically this was something they had been doing naturally some time back in their pre-teens. Now as adolescents, they want to know as to why should they not do what they want to do instead? Adolescents want answers to their questions, which if the parents are unable to provide, as is the situation in the present scenario, it leaves the child unsatisfied and unhappy.

As parents we always tell our children to do this or that, but we never try to tell them WHY they should do so. WHY should they not take drugs, when they see their friends taking them? Why should they not smoke, when their relatives doing so? Why should they not speed and drive fast? The questions in their mind are endless. PARENTS RARELY TRY TO ANSWER THE "WHY OR WHY NOT" BECAUSE EITHER THEY DO NOT KNOW THE RIGHT ANSWER, DO NOT KNOW THE RIGHT WAY TO ANSWER OR HAVE NO TIME TO ANSWER. Many a times the parents are in a denial mode and unable to see that their children are confused, unhappy or depressed, may be due to parental expectations, peer pressure, academic stress or other reasons. Adolescents then tend to move away from parents, from whom they expect no support, or empathy, and are attracted towards their peers, where they feel accepted and appreciated.

 
             As a child is growing up he is gradually developing his self-esteem and he wants to be appreciated and respected—like all grownups desire. He wants his views to be heard and given due importance. He wants answers to his questions. But as mentioned above, parents are often so short of time, weighed down and stressed  by their own problems and past emotional baggage OR unaware of good parenting skills, that they tend to become angry, critical and rude to their children, instead of interacting proactively with them. This further lower's the child’s self-esteem, who is already going through a lot of adolescent hormonal, emotional and social turmoil. Children THEN start drifting away from their parents, towards their peers, who accept and appreciate them unconditionally.

                 This is called PEER-PRESSURE and the child will do anything to please or become like his peer's whom he considers to be his role models. He starts to mimic their behaviour,because he WANTS to be appreciated and accepted by them and eventually he does everything his peers tell him to do and may drift into addictions and other maladaptive behaviours, to win their approval. This is a bitter truth parents have to swallow. Had they been more supportive, compassionate empathetic, assertive parents, understanding their children and giving them their unconditional love, support, acceptance, appreciation and proper answers to their queries, their children would not have drifted away.

            To keep our children happy and away from drugs and other risky behaviours, the need of the hour is for parents to learn and adopt Good, Happy & Assertive Parenting skills. They should learn to communicate and bond strongly with their children, appreciate and guide them  and assure them of their unconditional support whenever they  falter, fall or fail. Criticism and rebuke from the parents lowers a child’s self-esteem and makes him withdraw from his parents. Conversely, love, acceptance, appreciation and guidance from the parents is the only solution to keep children happy, motivated, and confident and steers them away from drugs  and addictions. Parents should be ideal role models for their children. They should  practice  what they preach, so that their children can look up to them in admiration ,remain in high self-esteem and be assertive and resilient enough  to say NO to peer pressure and drug abuse.

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                                                                                    Dr.Sona Kaushal Gupta

                                                                           Neuro-Psychologist::DehraDun
                                                                                Founder Director PARI Foundation

                                  Practice Empathy and Teach it to Children

Empathy is the ability to read another person’s emotions. In other words it means to try and put yourself

 










in the shoes of the other person, so as to be able to understand what he is feeling or going through emotionally. Many children just do not know the meaning or the art of practicing empathy, because no one has ever explained it or discussed it with them. It is a critical life skill and should be taught to children right from an early age. To be able to understand what your friend is feeling after a fight or to feel the hurt your parents are going through after you have behaved rudely with them, or to feel the emotions of a sick relative,are  emotional skills which children are grossly lacking these days. In today’s world of technology, children are so much engrossed in the ‘I, Me or Mine’ phenomenon, that they tend show traits of narcissism in their behaviour. Technology gadgets have taken up most of their time and they have become recluses and loners lost in the world of visual fantasy of social media and their gadgets. They hardly find time or want to play or share their game or feelings with their friends. Outdoor games are gradually becoming extinct for the children today, as children have no time or interest or energy left for them..
A University of Michigan study of nearly 14,000 college students found that students today have about 40% less empathy than college kids had in the 1980s and 1990s.Children today have NO idea of how to practice empathy and will surely be less happy as adults as a result. Parents need to understand this and need to practice and teach Empathy to their children. Schools should also take initiatives to include Empathy training workshops in their curriculum where children can freely discuss the importance of understanding others emotions. Only then will we be able to make our children more caring , compassionate and empathetic.

Parenting is the most challenging task to master these days. It was a duty so easy and natural for parents, some time back, but today it has become the most formidable task for them. Parents are a confused lot these days. They complain that they are not able to understand their children and vice versa. ‘Empathy’ is an alien word for most of them too. Both parents are working parents these days trying to do their best to rear up their children with all materialistic comforts. As a result parents too are in a lot of stress. They have no time for Empathy or Compassion in their hectic schedule  themselves. Then how do we expect such parents to teach such important skills to their kids? It is a wake-up call for all of us. Parents should learn how to be de-stressed and should adopt ‘good, happy parenting skills’ which include Empathy and Compassion .The children are fast learners and will immediately copy or model their parents behavior. They will surely pick up such skills from their parents and involve Empathy and Compassion in their day to day behavior, once they see their elders, parents, teachers, older siblings using them .

                           Prevention of Stress is a better option than trying to Manage Stress.                   

 "Ships don’t sink because of the water around them but sink because of the water that gets in them. Don’t let what’s happening around you, get inside you and weigh you down".

More than a third of teenage girls in England suffer from depression and anxiety says the guardian.com..2014 work stress survey says that 8 out of 10 Americans are stressed at work.In India stress, depression and suicides have increased from 7.9 to 10.3% says the movement I QUIT. The statistics of stress and its consequences are staggering. It is a wake- up call for all of us.

Stress is a silent killer, an epidemic ,which has spread all over the world  and engulfed thousands of unaware ,innocent people, children and youth in its vicious toxic web. It is a creation of our mind and lies within our mind, and like a parasite, it preys on it, making us emotionally and physically weak. There is some good news however, that stress can be prevented,  provided  we know how to do so.  It is also manageable if we have succumbed to it, and are stressed. The sad news however, is that Psychological Stress is a hallmark of many diseases, ranging from obesity, diabetes to heart disease and even cancer. Stress can lead one to depression, suicide, drugabuse, and many more maladies, which plague us and our society today. Now a large chunk of diseases are labelled Psychosomatic—which means-diseases of the Body due to a stressed Mind. These are a plethora of diseases that range from unexplained headaches, body aches, migraine, pseudo-seizures, GIT Disorders, Respiratory problems etc, the list is never ending. People run from pillar to post, from one doctor to another, trying to find magic medicines which can cure them of   these physical ailments, which have made their life hell.  Ironically they do find momentary relief from their symptoms, with the prescribed medicines, but the symptoms just relapse and come back over and again, because Stress, the root cause of their illness has not been addressed. If Counselling is added to the medicines prescribed, whereby psychologists empower the patient and guide him to find solutions to the problems which have caused him to be in stress, and teach him how to say NO to stress, it shows remarkable results. Medicines have a limited role in countering stress, and their role is similar to the shredding of the leaves of a tree, which soon come back again because the roots of the tree are alive and keep nourishing the tree. It’s roots have to be sacrificed only then will the tree die. So is the case with psychosomatic illnesses. If we wish to get rid of the physical and emotional symptoms, we HAVE to address the root cause which is the  of stress in us

          What exactly is Stress? The term “stress”, as it is currently used was coined by Hans Selye in 1936, who defined it as “the non-specific response of the body to any demand for change”.                             

            More simply put, it is a state of mental or emotional strain or tension resulting from adverse or demanding circumstances. Stress is not a viral or bacterial disease which can be cured with medicines like antibiotics. It is a psychologically state in our mind which can be prevented, provided we  think positively and learn how to cope adaptively with our problems.              Stress develops IN our mind while the stressor, the challenge or the problem, as we may like to call it, lies outside us. A difficult exam , an irritating boss, a nagging spouse, are all problems outside and not in our control. It is our negative or irrational thinking about our problems, which creates the stress within our mind. Why did he say this to me? How could he do this? Why did this happen to me, and so on and so forth. These negative thoughts are the genesis of our stress.

Imagine two children, both having studied together and unfortunately both failing in their exam. Their reactions may be different. One can just shrug it off and plan to study harder the next time. The other can go into depression, run away from home or do self-harm. The problem both of them faced was the same, both failed, but their coping strategy was different. One boy thought positively and planned to study harder for the next exam. He coped adaptively with the problem and moved on in life. The other had a negative thinking pattern of fear, anger, shame or anxiety, thereby got stressed, and was not able to cope adaptively with the problem. He opted for  self-harm, a maladaptive coping strategy.

How does one change ones thinking process to prevent getting stressed? Firstly we should learn to accept what has happened, then with a stable mind plan your next move. Acceptance is a skill which immediately makes us stable. Also increase your resilience or Emotional strength, learn to be in high self-esteem, do not self- blame or be in guilt, learn to cope adaptively with problems, be adaptive to the changes around you, communicate well, understand  other’s perspective, distance yourself and try to get another perspective of the situation and focus on the opportunities and the positive side of the situation, focus on your strengths and successes, Concentrate on positive results and also familiarize yourself with the worst possible situation and ask yourself how you would come through it.

Lets remember," It is not the things themselves that serve to unsettle the people, but rather their judgements and opinions of things (Epictetus, 50-120 A.D.) and

"The primary cause of unhappiness is never the situation but your thoughts about it." Eckhart Tolle

           Our body is well equipped to ring the alarm bell whenever we get stressed. We have anxiety, palpitations, headaches, various cognitive symptoms, breathlessness etc .symptoms which tell us to be aware and take care of our self. Because we are in stress, we should take effective measures to MANAGE our stress, like Relaxation techniques, Breathing techniques, music, exercise, yoga psychotherapy etc. However I advocate that stress should be prevented rather than being managed. Why fall sick first, and then take medicines to get better, while with knowledge and proper precautions, we could have prevented ourselves from falling sick in the first place. Let us  all gear up to Prevent being stressed and lead a stress-free, happy life. 

After all, Prevention is always better than Cure.

                                                                                         Dr.Sona Kaushal Gupta

                                                                                  Consultant Neuro Psychologist

                                                                        Founder Director PARI FOUNDATION

                                             ( a NGO  which spreads awareness about Prevention of Stress)                                                            website: www.parifoundation.com